the seeing self

I’ve been feeling and thinking through some ideas and concepts of creating a sort of course, book, workshop—I have no idea yet what it will be—and every day I sit with my notebook, pen in hand, to start writing the content, hoping that the structure and framework will present itself to me. Yet every day, the blank page stares back at me. ⁣⁣

Mom came out to me sitting on the porch with my sad empty notebook and capped pen and doubt all over my face. I told her what I’d been swirling around in my mind and how I don’t know what it is or how to make sense of it yet. And how maybe I’m not meant to bring these concepts to life because my page remains empty. ⁣⁣

She said, “I’ve told you this before and I’ll say it again. You are the most determined and ambitious person I’ve ever met. I don’t know how you’re going to create what you want, but I know you will. I know this because that’s what you’ve always done. And this time will be no different. You’ve always been this way, even when you were a tiny girl at four years old. You’d play with my makeup and every line, every brush stroke would be perfect. Most kids just smeared it all over their face without any thought at all. But not you. You wanted it to look a certain way and you didn’t stop until it did. So, don’t worry about it because if you want it, you’ll make it happen. That’s just who you are. I think the question is, is this something you really want do? Once you know that, you’ll be fine.”⁣⁣

I had tears in my eyes as I rolled them. Why is it so hard to hear nice things about yourself? Or is it just me? I always feel like people are just saying something nice to give me a pep talk ya know, but it’s hard to really believe them. Mom has always said things like this. She’s always been so good at building me up. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her “pep talks,” real or not. It’s just crazy to think she sees all that, y’know? I wish I could see like she does. ⁣