the turning of the page
I don’t see yesterday as the end of something, the end of the year, a decade, whatever. I see it more like a turn of the page, the passing of the baton, a continuous flow into whatever the future holds.
I’m still the same me, ya know? The date doesn’t change anything. But what I love about the start of a new year is the reflection that comes with it. I’m a reflective person naturally. I don’t think I could’ve written a memoir if I wasn’t. But when I held the space to reflect back on 2019, I found that it didn’t come easy. Maybe because so much happened last year, or maybe because I feel like I’m in a major transitional period of my life, but I pushed through, and here’s what I gleaned…
2019 was fucked up, but it was also one of the best years of my life. It was a grinding mixture of fleeting joy and complete despair.
It started off so magical. In January, Perry proposed in the rain after a Gregory Alan Isakov show. Yes, a million times, yes.
In February, my brother had a baby girl and I got to watch him step into the role of being a father so effortlessly. It was amazing to see the little human I grew up with in our dusty, barren town cross the threshold into something so powerful. He named his little girl Emma and she is perfect. And watching the Dad that I’ve held so dear to my heart become a Grandpa made my heart explode.
In March, we went up to Michigan to plan our tiny family-only wedding at my Grandma Linda’s property, where I used to spend my childhood summers. I also quit one of my social media/podcast clients that I’d been working with for six years. It was time and I needed to open up more space for Rhodes Wedding Co. and to finish my book.
Then April came and the earth went dark. I received the call that not only did Mom flatline twice from meth, but IF she woke up she’d be brain dead. I spent five excruciating days by her bedside waiting for her to wake up. Then she did and the world was bright again. But she had to have multiple surgeries and stay in the hospital for over a month.
On top of that, her little dog Abby needed a $6k surgery that had a 75% chance of failing and her not surviving. So between Mom’s hospital visits, I was at the vet or taking care of a sick puppy with stitches down her belly. But the surgery worked and we have a happy, healthy little hooligan. Thank you to all who donated for her surgery. I’m still paying the bill so every little bit helps. You can donate here if you’re interested.
We’d also picked up a stray chihuahua puppy that we found living on the streets in Victorville. We named him Nash and our little dog pack grew to three. There goes April and most of May.
Then it was June and I turned 33. We went to my favorite beach with Mom and I spent the whole day feeling like I was in a dream because she was clean now and I’d been waiting my whole life for that moment.
But then it came time to go back home because being at Grandma’s meth house was shedding years from my life. Leaving Mom in a house full of drug addicts was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but if I didn’t, I’d only be enabling her to stay. Difficult decisions like these have plagued me my entire life. I moved through a galaxy of guilt on our 2,200 mile drive back to North Carolina. Was I doing the right thing? Mom promised she’d come out to live with me once all of her doctor appointments were done.
We got home and I was so happy to be back on my little acre of peace that I wanted to kiss our old wood floors. I felt free and hopeful for three days. Then our new pup Nash was killed by a car and everything went dark again. We fell into a deep well of grief and I felt so very lost. It was like the universe kicked me right in the chest.
Then July came and I was finally pulling myself off the floor when my brother came down to visit for his birthday with his wife and their beautiful Emma.
In August I went back to the desert to celebrate my Grandma Fields’ ninetieth birthday. My brother flew out too, with his wife and his magic baby girl. I got to see Mom and Grandma meet Emma and it was the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen. The night I got the call about Mom’s cardiac arrest, the first thing I thought about was Emma. My heart ached for her not being able to meet Mom. She deserved to meet her Grandma and make the kind of memories I did as a kid. So, seeing her smile into Mom’s healthy, clean face felt like the sky opened up into another realm where everything felt right.
Also in August, Dad came to see me for over a week. I’d sit on the porch listening to him read, and sink into the explosion of his laugh. We went to the mountains to touch the clouds and to the coast to play in the sea. I forgot a bathing suit so I swam in my dress and Dad held my hand over the big waves. I almost cried when he left, but that’s what I always do.
In September we celebrated Perry’s thirty-third birthday. Every year he gets more and more beautiful, and he is forever an inspiration.
We also launched our collaborative art project, Wake of Dust. It combines intro-stories to my memoir and his songs that were inspired by the time we spent in the desert gathering stories from Mom for my book. You can pre-order it here.
In October we got married and it was the most perfect day I’ve ever lived. Not just because I married the love of my life, but also because I got to see my whole family be together again. My two Grandma’s reunited after over twenty years and Mom and Dad fell right back into the rhythm of joking and laughing together. It felt like we were a family again. You can see more from the wedding here.
In November we went to New York City to watch plays, and shows, and fill our backpacks with used books.
Then it was December and for the first time in our life, we’d planned to stay home for Christmas, just the two of us and our two black dogs. But then Mom called. She was coming out for Christmas—to stay. She said her car was packed and she’d see me in less than three days. She pulled into the driveway the moment I typed the last word of my book. It felt like the balance of the universe had been restored.
And just when I thought Christmas couldn’t get anymore special Perry gave me the greatest gift he’s ever given me—an album of instrumental music that he created to inspire me to work on my next writing project. You can hear the five-song EP here.
We spent New Year’s Eve cuddled up on our moss green velvet couch watching Christmas classics with Mom. The perfect end to a crazy awful, but beautiful year.
My takeaways from 2019…
It was my most challenging year emotionally and mentally, but it was also the year I saw the most growth—in myself, in Perry, and in Mom.
-You’re not defined by your circumstances. Even though this was the year from hell I managed to rise above it and still accomplish the goals I set. Make your faith greater than your fear. Faith in God, the Universe, yourself—just make it greater than your worry, your fear, and your doubts.
-Never give up on the ones you love because one day, they might surprise you. I’ve been hoping and praying for Mom to be clean for the entirety of my existence, and even though she almost died in the process, she finally did it. Mom is eight months clean today.
-Doing things your own way, and being unapologetically you will bring you the most joy. We held the tiniest wedding known to man without the frills and packed schedule, and it was the best day of my life. I spent the whole day with the people I loved most in the world, being so very present in every moment, and it was everything.
-What you put the most energy into is the thing that flourishes. This year I focused heavily on two things— growing Rhodes Wedding Co. and finishing my book. And guess what happened? I increased our Rhodes sales by over 85% and I FINISHED MY BOOK. Seriously, what you put your energy into matters so cut where you can and focus on what is most important to you.
-The greatest growth often comes out of turmoil. So, be excited for what’s on the other side of whatever it is you’re struggling through.
-Don’t make decisions based on the past. For example, don’t stay in something (a job, relationship, town) just because it’s what you’ve been doing for the last x years. If it’s not serving your highest self or the life you want, learn to let go and move in the direction of who you want to become. I quit a client I had for six years and although it was hard, it was the right decision. I opened up the space to create and get closer to the life I truly want.
There are SO many more lessons from 2019 as it was jam packed with trials, but that’s the jist. Thank you for supporting me in this crazy journey called life.