the day I let myself want things again

Character MATTERS. Telling the truth MATTERS. Being a good person MATTERS. These are the words I’ll tell my kid someday.

For almost 4 years I’ve wanted to have a baby, but I couldn’t handle the thought of bringing a child into Trump’s America. And with each passing year, my fears grew as this want of mine was being trampled. Was I being ridiculous? Maybe. But I felt selfish and even foolish for wanting to bring a kind, raw, and vulnerable human into a country where decency and democracy were being threatened every second. I’m an idealist by nature, or at least I was until the last four years beat the hope out of me. Watching the “leader” of our country brag about assaulting women, spew hate speech like it was gospel, silence women and treat them as if they’re inferior, rip children from their families, threaten the rights of the LGBTQ+ community, promote xenophobia and racism, deny climate change, get a pat on the back for trying to take away women’s reproductive rights, among so many other sociopathic actions had just about killed any hope I had for starting a family.

For the last 4 years, I’ve watched families grow and I thought about how brave these new mothers were. I gravitated toward friends with children, making forts in my living room, singing Baby Shark, and keeping bubbles & make-your-own slime kits in my cupboards just in case we had little ones come over. I’ve watched my brother and his wife raise the most incredible daughter, soaking up every bit of joy she brings to my soul when I see her. I've watched people who are up against so much more than I am raise wonderful, happy children. Maybe I’m just not as brave as I thought I was, y'know? Or maybe the timing just wasn’t right for me. But I'm glad I waited. Because although there is still so much uncertainty and plenty to be afraid of, this is a time to celebrate the possibility of a brighter future. One where I can tell my child, "You were born at a time in our country when we had the first ever female VP—at a time when hope, character, and democracy were restored."

I'll say, "November 7, 2020 was a good day. It was the day your mama let herself want things again. And what she wanted was you.”